And so ya, sometimes I stop praying because I’m so darn frustrated. It seems like if prayer was going to work, things should have changed by now. So I get tired. And defeated. And I stop asking.
Then we went to church today and it was about the story of Cain and Abel. He spoke of how God blessed Abel’s offering, but all I could think about was one thing…
Ya, so God blessed his offering but Abel still ended up dead…and not just a natural death…he was murdered by his brother!
Abel brought His best to God. His very best offering, but evil still came.
And so I sat in church a little miffed and dumbfounded.
Why would I even consider bringing you my best, God, if I’m just going to end up slaughtered under the hands of my enemies anyways? Why?
Because watching a few painful portions of my life continue to endure, despite my best efforts to help or control, has been brutal. I was ready to be done with this season months ago. So I have withdrawn my best from God. Maybe not financially, but I’ve withdrawn portions of my spirit out of what I claim to be self preservation – if I don’t get my hopes up in prayer it’s easier to accept things as they are – but in reality it’s just bitterness and anger based on an outcome I don’t want or refuse to understand.
And so the girl who refuses to give her best offering robs herself of the blessing, and also stands risk of being overtaken by the evil one. And that’s just not okay.
These things I feel robbed of and angry over were never promised to me in the first place. They are God’s to manage, not mine. And Satan tells me God has ruined something, or doesn’t want the best, and stacks card after card creating distance from the only One that can give me any semblance of peace, rest, or understanding in the midst of it all. I find myself feeling robbed of the purpose in the pain and the blessing from the sorrow. And I’ve decided this is just not okay.
My lack of expectation from the One who wants to bless me has created distance. I have closed up my hands and folded them over like an angry 2 year old that is displeased with the speediness or service. I want it my way or nothing. But maybe it’s time to open my hands again.
Because there is evil in the world. And I know this. And it’s okay because Christ has overcome the world. And there is blessing. It may be followed up by tremendous pain, but if I never open my hands or bring God my best, I will never receive the blessing. And I don’t want to miss it. Nor do I want to miss the thousands of prayerful opportunities I have to tell Him what I think I want just because I’m afraid He won’t provide. Maybe He will, and maybe He won’t. But if I open my hands, regardless of the outcome, my family and I will be blessed in the process.