I couldn’t hear Jesus yesterday.
The voice of internal panic screamed loudly.
You can’t do this.
You are not enough.
You will never be enough.
My brain tore through file after file ripping out failures as evidence that this must be true. Showered with shame, I could hardly catch my breath.
What if I made the biggest mistake of my life by thinking I was capable of something I clearly was not?
No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t squash the harshness of my internal critic. And it’s in these moments we feel incredibly alone, unloveable, and abandoned.
“Be still, be calm, see, and understand I am the True God.” Psalm 46:10a
God how can I be still? I must make up for what I lack. I must account for my mistakes. I must be perfect. Please God, I just can’t stand to know I made another mistake.
And at the core of it all…
Am I loveable? God please tell me that if I mess up, I will still be lovable…
I heard nothing. The reverberations of my heart pounding against the walls of my chest roared. It wasn’t until much later when I curled up into the safety of my covers that He spoke.
He never disrespects me in the same ways I disrespect myself.
He holds my pain with gentle hands. Never telling me it’s unjustified or that I shouldn’t feel this way. That I shouldn’t wonder if I am lovable or if I am enough. He respects the messages that have become very real to me over years and years of living in the world. But He knows these messages hurt, and for that reason, He whispers change.
It’s a sacred internal space where He mends the fences of protection around my heart. He roots me in security and draws me deep below the waves. Down where it’s calm and I can find rest. It’s safe. I don’t have to be more. Or less. Or even enough. Because here, in this space, He is all I need.
Sweet friend, I don’t know what it is that sends you into panic. Maybe you struggle with similar messages, and maybe they are very different. But we all fight internal battles. In times of stress, difficult circumstances, and transition…they come on strong.
And maybe we can choose to be as gentle with ourselves as Jesus is with us. His expectation is never perfection. He removes our shame, but also understands the throbbing pangs of our humanity. He knows we get anxious, uncomfortable, and all twisted up with agony and that’s okay. But we can choose a new thing. We don’t have to be ashamed of the old, but we feel much better when we accept the fresh reality of His new.
It’s never been about how much we can do, but what He chooses to do through us. And no matter how hard we try, we can’t mess up the hand of God working through us. We aren’t that powerful. He’s got this. He’s always been in control and He won’t give up. He is enough and you are loved. It’s going to be okay.