Experiencing success can do weird things to us. We should be happy, but instead we feel this weird sense of imposter syndrome. Like we are playing a game everyone else thinks we are good at, but inside we feel like a fake – a failure – a fraud. We feel guilty for having good things and find ourselves experiencing depression even in the midst of fantastic gain.
It seems those of us who were victimized are particularly vulnerable to these types of feelings. Who told us we deserved success? Certainly not our abuser…and certainly not ourselves. We believed we were dirty, wasted, broken, and should be filled with unending buckets of shame. We should keep our heads down and look at no one – because if anyone looks deep enough into our eyes – they will find out the truth. That we are a dirty fake.
So as God would have it, my child has had this new desire to bake. And it got me thinking about cake. You are probably thinking what in the world does cake have to do with this…but actually it has a lot to do with it. Because here’s the thing…
I have spent most of my life trying to avoid the flour. It’s messy and cumbersome and every time I get it out of the pantry I feel like everything I own, including myself, is covered in a white dusty film.
Can’t you just make the cake without flour?
Yes you can. I have had an excellent flourless chocolate cake. But flourless cake is not the same. Whether you substitute with something else or leave it out all together – you still have something worth eating – but it won’t be the same kind of cake.
And so, thanks to God, my husband and I have built a pretty good lives. We work hard, we help people, and we get things done. I have experienced a great deal of success in many ways. But no matter how hard I try, I haven’t been able to make the damn chocolate cake.
I think it might be because the flour has been sitting in the dark pantry. I get it out and look at it every now and then. But I’ve never once added it to the cake. In fact, adding it has terrified me. As if putting it in will somehow alter the chemistry in such a way that things will never be the same. And guess what? It’s true. The flour WILL change things.
But the flour does not define the cake. We do not put flour in a cake and call it flour. We call it cake because flour is just an ingredient. An essential ingredient…but just an ingredient…that’s all.
What happened to you does not define you. It is not who you are. But if you leave it locked away and never let the shame air out, something will always taste like it’s missing. You may be incredibly successful, but it’s still a flourless cake. Dumping in the flour will make a mess. It may show. You could get your hands dirty and it will probably be uncomfortable. But with time and the right amount of other ingredients – you will have cake. And who doesn’t love cake.