I went to see a friend today. The kind of friend you go see when you feel like you are coming undone at the seems and don’t want too much of your ugly to leak out. The kind of friend that you hope can tuck your unlovelies back in…kind of like spanx. I wanted her to be my spanx. Or maybe my magic eraser? That would be even better. If she could make my past dissapear – that would be awesome. But she didn’t do it…she didn’t even offer…
Why? Because unlike the way I see myself – she sees my imperfections and the baggage of my past as an essential piece to who I am and who I will continue to become…say what????
As a woman who tries to hide her gigantic perfectionism monster in a closet but can’t seem to keep the door closed, I wanted to smack her…hard.
She spoke truth to my hurting soul but my mind kept shutting her down with thoughts like…don’t let her give you that shit about being perfect just the way you are…or that imperfection is why we need Jesus…or this is part of how you are made and why you are good at what you do.
The internal battle that rose up inside of me kind of took me by surprise. Every cell in my body screamed louder and louder don’t listen…your past is ugly…it ruined you…you are disgusting and nasty…you will never be good at your job or anything else you try to do…
But something happened…
I decided to chance the fact that she might be right. I didn’t say she was right, but I just needed to wrap my brain around the fact that she might be. Just a tiny bit…so the door could crack…
And it seems walking around the proverbial Wal-Mart of our life endlessly searching for the magic eraser and/or the perfect pair of Spanx is really kind of pointless. Maybe it exists, but I haven’t found it. And the deeper question – if found would I really want to use it?
This morning, I would have said yes. This afternoon, I’m not so sure.
Maybe it’s less about running away from, masking, and hiding and more about radical acceptance and moving into.
Because this body…these circumstances…this life that God has put in front of us is not an accident. Sure some bad things happened and sin played a part in all of that, but if we truly believe God’s Word (that He is making all things new and working all things for good) then bad things are the least of our worries. Icky ugliness is just a chance for God to shine even brighter. Broken pieces are just a step in the overall plan. And all that shit you have spent year after year trying to get rid of and cover up – maybe it’s not as ugly as you once thought. Just maybe…
And that’s all God really needs to work…just a tiny crack in the door…and a shaky hesitant maybe…