When I began working with victims of sexual abuse, I assumed the abuse itself would be the most painful part. The horrendous unthinkable act. That part is difficult for certain, but it’s rarely the worst part. Over and over again, the worst part is verbalized as when a family member didn’t believe…or when they could no longer go to their favorite church because the abuser still attends…or had to put on a fake smile and pretend everything was okay.
It’s the isolation and abandonment. That’s the worst part.
Because things like sexual abuse and other violations of the “normal social contract” have an uncanny ability to isolate. They are difficult to see…uncomfortable…and so we distance. We may look at statistics and think oh that’s sad. Or share an Instagram pic of the latest sexual assault awareness campaign, but when it hits close to home – we look away – and unintentionally perpetuate shame.
And why do we do this? Why do we glance at someone’s pain and instead of helping pick up the pieces, we dismiss and push away? It’s not a new thing…it’s been going on since the beginning of time. Take the story of the Samaritan…
“A Jewish man was traveling from Jerusalem down to Jericho, and he was attacked by bandits. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him up, and left him half dead beside the road. By chance a priest came along. But when he saw the man lying there, he crossed to the other side of the road and passed him by. A Temple assistant walked over and looked at him lying there, but he also passed by on the other side. Then a despised Samaritan came along, and when he saw the man, he felt compassion for him. Going over to him, the Samaritan soothed his wounds with olive oil and wine and bandaged them. Then he put the man on his own donkey and took him to an inn, where he took care of him. The next day he handed the innkeeper two silver coins, telling him, ‘Take care of this man. If his bill runs higher than this, I’ll pay you the next time I’m here.’”
Why didn’t they stop? Two reasons enter my mind. First, it was unappealing to look at. Naked, broken, beaten…a tremendously difficult reality. Second, busyness and inconvenience. They didn’t have time, energy, or resources – and they used that as an excuse. If being uncomfortable doesn’t get to us, feeling inadequate to or too busy with other “good” things will. We assume someone else will do it, and justify by assuming they will do a better job than we could anyways.
But sweet brothers and sisters is this what we are really called to do?
Do we need a church full of believers who are doing the “good” things or do we need individuals who are willing and ready to get their hands dirty? To pull in the woman who was sexually assaulted and is now a known drug addict and prostitute. Or the child who was sexually abused and now sexually acts out on others and has very difficult behaviors. Do we look at them with a passing glance and move on by, or do we choose to put on our Jesus lenses and really see them for the fullness of who they are – refusing to set brokenness aside? Are we willing to give up some of our own resources to help them, or do we tuck them away for our own rainy day?
Because crazy things happen when we choose to see people. The victim who felt like she was alone, naked, and abandoned in a wet brown cold paper bag finally feels like she can breath again. All it takes is someone telling her the reality of what happened to her isn’t too painful or disgusting…and that whatever it takes…she will not be alone in this. It takes the willing samaritan. The one who gives of their own resources without reservation in the name of Jesus. This is what it takes to undo the shame of something like sexual abuse. Individuals who are willing to stop looking, and start seeing.